Don’t order enchiladas suiza at Cancun Restaurant without first asking your server whether or not it is a not-for-wimps-spicy dish. Don’t proceed to eat half of it before admitting that the heat is not something you’ll become used to and that Sprite does not help.
Don’t leave Cancun restaurant and proceed to Dillard’s to collect your free cosmetics gift for making a purchase of $24.50 or more. For at Dillards, the enchiladas will be replicating a tiny portion of hell in your belly, and you will not feel pretty at all next to the ladies in stiff jackets and (too much) makeup who spritz perfume on cards so that you can decide how to spend at least $24.50 so that, in turn, you can get a free gift tote (with samples inside!) that doesn’t look nearly as posh as it did in the picture. Especially do not do anything at any cosmetics counter if you are wearing an outfit that consists of the clothes you usually reserve for laundry day but have decided to wear today instead so that you can save your better clothes for a trip this weekned. You will imagine that the ladies in stiff jackets and (too much) makeup wonder why this homeless woman is blowing so much money on perfume.
Don’t stop at Walgreens on the way home from Dillard’s to pick up pictures from the baby shower you helped throw last weekend and then open them to discover that you looked larger than the pregnant lady and that your hair, which you actually blew dry that day, looked just as dumpy as it does tonight, the night you impersonated a homeless, hell-belly.
Don’t end the evening by plopping down on the couch with your husband to watch CNN and remember that people in New Orleans (and many other places) were suffering while you wasted half a plate of enchiladas and shopped for something to make yourself smell nice.
Do put on some of that new Estée Lauder Beyond Paradise (which ended up costing more than $24.50) before getting into bed. Things will get a little better then. (“Estée Lauder Beyond Paradise transports you to a perfect world of optimism and wonder. Unfolds on your skin with a fascinating blend of tropical wetness, zesty freshness and bursting floralcy.”)